I haven’t written of late because it’s been challenging to find the time, energy or ability to form words due to the different time zone small person has decided we operate within.
Small person has been electing to begin the day anywhere between 3am and 6am, and I really do mean anywhere. There has been no pattern forming just chaos.
The day has been ending between 6.30pm and 7.30pm but it has been impossible to have any time to myself because of the need to sleep so that I can be ready to start all over again.
We have continued to have waking up in the night, I regularly find small person still asleep trying to make themselves a bed on the sofa. Or trying to wake up to begin the day at 9pm.
I fear we are lost within a complex layer of reenactment in which small person is attempting to recreate the chaotic schedule of their early life because our routine is just too different and feels too unsafe. Particularly in their current state of new teacher anxiety.
Over the holidays I have seen other layers of reenactment emerge as small person has shut us in rooms in the dark, as they have been violent towards me in public whilst looking for the reactions of strangers. There have been times where I have been obliged to become the literal crash barrier, keeping them safe whilst announcing to them and to the universe that whatever they are acting out I am not joining in.
This time zone is one of deep social isolation. No one is available at 3am to provide supportive words unless they are on holiday on the other side of the world. There is no time to text or talk at 8pm because I have to go to sleep in preparation for the next day to begin.
These CBeebies-less barren times involve much irrational behaviour from small person. There are very strong fixations on moving large pieces of furniture which I do not have the energy for at 4am.
We have seen a few awesome aunties and an awesome uncle in the holidays. Small person has been so deep in their fears and need to control that I have not been allowed to speak to them. Nor have they been allowed to speak to small person unless told to do so. Another path to social isolation.
Small person has been spontaneously telling me they love me. People ask me if this makes everything worth it. I wish I could say it does but all I see is the shame reaction which will follow within the next hour. The toys or chairs which will be thrown down the stairs with vigour. It is so hard to see played out before me daily the cost small person pays for their feelings of love.
I would like to say that there is hope in the form of the promised therapeutic intervention for small person beginning in April but alas I cannot. As of the first full week of April our application for funding through The Adoption Support Fund was still being written. Our therapist had the 1st April in their diary as a starting date but lo that has not come to pass.
Right now the light at the end of the tunnel is dim. I hope it’s brightness increases soon.